Since I can remember, I was always a little meatier than the other kids. Never unhealthy, just thicker. My dream in life was to have a family and this was the first time I dealt with weight bias.
I was having trouble conceiving. This went on for years and the problem was always “my weight” (so they said). This was also the reason I was given for why my cycle was irregular and extremely painful. After years of painful and abnormal cycles and not conceiving they found endometriosis – by accident – thinking the pain was from my gallbladder. It turns out there wasn’t just a little bit of endometriosis, it was overtaking my abdomen. After a two week stay in the hospital I had to have a complete hysterectomy. The endometriosis was so bad by then that not only were my uterus and ovaries destroyed but it damaged my bowels and colon as well. Needless to say the neglectful healthcare that I received which only considered my weight was dead wrong, and because of that, my dream of having children was also dead.
The next several years continued to bring serious challenges to both my physical and mental health. One year after my hysterectomy I was feeling sharp pains and a tearing sensation in my abdomen and you could clearly see a baseball-sized bulge. My physician said that I now have a hernia (from the surgery) but I had to lose weight to fix it. Fast forward eight years and the bulge is much bigger. I was an extremely active person, but the more I did the more that bulge would hurt. On July 15, 2019 I was out working on my yard when I tripped, shattering my left patella and straining my right leg in two places. While in the hospital my back was hurting; I was concerned that I may have injured my back as well since I fell onto concrete. The doctor told me I was too big for the MRI machine, mind you I am 5’8” and weighed 260 pounds. This began the worst 2 years of my life.
They did surgery to repair my kneecap. Three weeks later I had another surgery because the hardware got infected. I was down for three months before I could finally walk again. I was in pain all the time from the break and nothing healing properly. Before I could get the surgery to remove the hardware, that previously mentioned hernia that made me look pregnant, strangulated and I had to have emergency surgery. The “baseball size” was now from hip to hip. Mesh had to be placed and I was down for a month. Two months later they wanted to remove hardware in my knee and I was down for another 3 weeks. I was left stuck on my butt for half the year… yes, I gained weight.
On January 2, 2021 I slipped and fell in the bathroom, broke my left ankle in two places and left knee in two new places. I was down again. Once I was able to walk again my knee was killing me still, swelling and miserable. I sought care from an orthopedic specialist who said, “well… lose weight.” A second orthopedic specialist also said to lose weight, as did a third. Losing weight is not going to fix the visual deformity and pain I’m experiencing. Feeling defeated, I again spoke with the first orthopedic specialist, letting him know that I barely eat, I can’t walk, and I have new mesh in my abdomen, so how am I to lose weight? He says “weight training of the upper body” and swimming. Seriously, gyms with pools are closed due to COVID.
At this point my mental health has taken a HUGE hit. My depression was getting out of control and I was referred to a physiotherapist. This was the appointment that broke my will. Once again it was all about my weight, not what we can do to ease the pain. I completely lost it and went into a mental health crisis right there in his office. I even mentioned suicide and using illicit drugs, and he let me walk right out the office the building, get in my car, and drive 30 minutes home while completely distraught and crying uncontrollably. That week my total calorie intake for the whole week was 1,500. I tried to tell him I typically only eat one time a day and even then I yell at myself and put myself down for eating at all. Yet every doctor has tried to put me on appetite suppressant.
On January 4, 2022 I went outside of my health insurance network and paid out of pocket to get another opinion. Now keep in mind I am well aware that weight does have some bearing on knee replacement…. some. Things were going great then he said those two words: “your weight.” He said, “you really need to lose weight first because I am worried it could cause another infection.” Wait… what? The hardware was infected in my first surgery and nothing I did caused that infection. He also said “you should talk to a nutritionist, maybe a lap band or gastric bypass might be best.” Wait… you won’t do surgery because my weight might cause an infection, but go get a different surgery?! Due to the endometriosis and mesh I can’t have bariatric surgery anyway.
Here I am – yet again – distraught and bawling with an hour and a half drive to get home and no resolution. I feel less than, worthless, hopeless, and the mental health crisis kicks in again. I don’t want to live in pain, but no one will help me because I’m too fat. I want to give up, not just on getting my knee better, but give up on everything.
These doctors need to understand what they are doing. Weight bias is killing people. I know I’m not the only one feeling like giving up on life because the doctors are damaging mental health. This needs to change. I will call my therapist and try and work through what I feel, but my breaking point is near. Weight is a number, not who I am. I am a person, not a paycheck, and I have feelings. I know I am overweight. Diets don’t work especially if you don’t eat. And all I want is to walk without pain.